You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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