got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
