if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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