he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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