yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
