i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Who died my cat blue again?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
