I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
