I'm jealous of your bromance
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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