Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
