I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
