mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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