Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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