What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
