My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this boner is exhausting
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
