just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
