he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
