that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
