I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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