I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
