dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
