the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Damn victory sex feels great
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