so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
