Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
