I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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