I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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