I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think i have two assholes
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
