Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
