I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
