Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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