thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well I just put wine in my tea
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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