I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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