i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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