So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
