...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
