he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
