she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
