I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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