dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
