This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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