Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
