He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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