i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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