First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
