ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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