Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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