he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
