this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
