New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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