if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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