Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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